In my experience, any cat can figure out this move, and then understand what we are saying. They “feel” the petting without the stress of my actually approaching, or touching, them.
Invisible Petting is a powerful, and easy, move we can do most times and places. As we and our cat become comfortable with the concept, it gets better and better. I use this all the time with my own cats, from recovering-feral Mithy to practically-a-stuffed-animal Tristan.
shy cat connections
If we have a shy cat, we should use moves like Cat Kisses and Their Song to reach them without touching them. Or even thinking of touching them. At this early stage, we don’t want to do any affection moves that will create anxiety for them.
Invisible Petting happens when we have established our good intentions with these non-touching moves. They aren’t ready for actual touching yet, but they are now better able to handle pretend touching. This harnesses the incredible power of the cat’s imagination.
Cats are all about the body language. This is how they speak to each other. So when we use body language with our cats, we are literally “speaking their language.” That is how Invisible Petting works so well. Our cats understand that we are longing to pet them, yet we are sensitive enough to their feelings that we aren’t going to pet them.
It is catspeak for “I love you but I also understand and respect your feelings.”
we become mimes
The first step is to get their attention; from gently saying their name, making eye contact, or getting the slow-blink of a Cat Kiss from across the room. With the cat’s ability to see motion, we can do this from pretty far away.
I also signal my cats what I am about to do by making a circle with thumb and forefinger and looking through it, like I am sighting through a telescope. This is a great Sign Language signal to help them understand our next moves. Feel free to create our own signal to be the beginning of the Invisible Petting ritual.
Now we pretend we are scritching them with our fingertips. Or we cup our hand and rub their head. Or we swoop down their imaginary spine or gently rub their belly. We can even do an elaborate presentation of scooping them up and hugging them to our chest, swinging our head down to rub their head.
At first, our cats might look puzzled, or even startled. That’s okay. Do a few different petting moves, to help the idea come across. If we have another cat handy, use the same moves to actually pet them. This will help the concept get across to our shy cat.
I’ve found it’s helpful to actually treat the “tiny cat” we saw through our finger telescope as the imaginary cat we are petting. I use a single finger to pet their head, going around the ears and under the chin, the way they like. Or I pet the tiny cat along the spine, all the way to the tail, where I get even more gentle. Or I pretend I am sneaking a finger under their body to “tickle” their belly.
It’s fine to do a few invisible pets and finish with an extra slow blink or the bit of their song with their name in it, then go back to what we were doing. If we have another cat to pet, use our finger to pet them the same way, only for real. It’s also fine to let them puzzle over our behavior.
Any time they spend thinking about us is time that moves our relationship forward.
concept of our love
We can do this as often as we wish, at times we want to pet our shy cat, but cannot. We are creating an imaginary world where we are petting our scaredy-cat without stress. This is the first step to making it happen in reality.
As we continue to Imaginary Pet our cat, they continue to develop the mental picture of us showing them affection. This virtual representation is not nearly as frightening to them as the actual petting. This lets them relax and enjoy the imaginary petting. As they signal their enjoyment of our gestures, we can get closer to them all the time. By backing off the distance when they show anxiety, and advancing a little when they respond, we get closer and closer to actually touching them, and petting for real.
Don’t rush it.
The number one problem with any fearful cat situation, from introducing a new cat friend to moving house to getting them to enjoy our touch, is the human getting impatient while the cat still needs to make mental adjustments. Remember that we humans are coming at the situation with a lot more information about our intentions than our scaredy-cat has.
Scaredy cats have had their survival instincts activated. Maybe for a long time. They will need to silence all their alarms about human contact before they can enjoy human contact.
But they want to. We can help.
And in the meantime, we get to pet them! Best of both worlds… until those worlds can come together.
We also calm a shy cat by petting with our voice.
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There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.
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