My family and I adopted two 10 week old female sister kittens 4 days ago. I’ve bonded with one of the girls somewhat, but the other one wants nothing to do with me.
I’m a homemaker and I’m home to feed, play and care for them. The other girl loves my 16 year old daughter and she will let my daughter hold her and play with her. Yet, if I pet her she doesn’t purr, and squirms out of my arms if I try to hold her. I tried playing with her late last night alone for hours. She played with me, but again, no affection. I’ve had cats all my life and NEVER had a cat that didn’t like me. I just feel heartbroken.
Dear Readers,
Rejection is a tough thing to handle.
But if we know we are being friendly and affectionate with a cat, and they do not return our gestures, what could be going on?
shyness/ferality
The most probable reason we have trouble getting close to a cat is that the cat has trouble getting close to humans. I had a wonderful comment just the other day about how breakthroughs can happen:
I’ve used your cat affection moves for a long time now, in the hope that my cat would become more affectionate. She was a rescue that I got when she was about 2 or so. …
Well, after nine years of cat kisses and time on the floor with her, she’s finally decided that sitting on my legs when I’m on the couch is kind of nice. Which to me is nothing less than a miracle.
The cat had other ways of showing affection, but it did take a while for her to have enough trust to go with the physical contact that her person wanted. After two and a half years, Mithy is finally climbing onto my lap; though we’ve had plenty of hugs to pave the way to more closeness, him settling onto me is a new thing.
However, in the case of the original commenter, this cat is affectionate with someone. Why aren’t they affectionate with her?
One Person Cat
I wrote my post on One Person Cats because I have seen this happen, over and over. Some cats find a person they like; and that is the only person they need.
They won’t extend themselves to build relationships with other people, because they are so happy with their One Person. It doesn’t seem worth the psychic effort to trust someone else when their person is so wonderful, and meets all their needs. Like anyone in love, they see only the object of their love and adoration.
In my post, Cat Crushes, I explain how cats can become so interested and excited about “falling in love” that they pay no attention to anything else. Eventually, things do calm down and we get our affectionate cat back.
James Bond would be affectionate with Mr WayofCats, but only when I was out of the house or out of the room. Despite my constant encouragement, James felt “wrong” about showing affection to another person in front of me. It was as though he felt me seeing that happen would be a betrayal of some kind.
Like people, cats can have their own internal rules about who, when, and how they show affection. Learning their rules is part of how we get to know them.
scrambled signals
It can be that we are communicating the wrong things to each other. Just because our previous cats loved being picked up does not mean our new cat will. Persisting in overtures that are not working will only make our unhappy cat feel like they are not being listened to.
This can happen when our kitten gets older and has the mental means to try and communicate their preferences. People who tell me how cuddly their cat was as a kitten are sometimes people who weren’t paying enough attention. All along their kitten was sending signals about how they wanted to be petted. Once they are older and more confident, they can more easily avoid the person who is persistent about annoying them.
Think about how much we might dislike certain rituals in our own culture; I know I had trouble with the “social kiss” when I, as an adult, encountered it for the first time. I am always careful when I am in a different culture or country about my slang and hand gestures; the ones that are positive at home can be interpreted very differently elsewhere.
So we should try varying our affection moves and see how our cat reacts. They might be longing for affection as much as we are. It might be a different kind between the two of us.
just chemistry
Sometimes, we aren’t compatible.
Anyone who could figure out how it works with people would make a fortune. But I suspect this may never be discovered. There are so many variables, so many ways a person can craft their preferences, that it is likely too complex to ever be completely predictable.
A perfume or aftershave can smell differently to me, depending on who is wearing it. A famous experiment showed that people who liked a partner’s natural scent the most was somehow choosing someone from a gene pool with a lot of hybrid vigor; exactly what would be needed for healthy offspring. And that is only one possible facet of attraction, in only one application.
With cats, it must be even more mysterious.
The story of people and cats is the story of cats choosing to be social. Sure, humans chose cats out of a new litter to bring home with them, or give special attention to, but the cats had final say on how far the relationship could go. I had cats who loved the home I offered. And I had cats who would have never found happiness if I had not found them a new one.
In the end, all any of us can ever do is make our best effort.
And cheerfully accept the answer.
Meet the cat who thinks someone else is special.
Got here from a Link or Search?
There’s more ways to get our cat to be affectionate in The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See all of my CAT AFFECTION posts.
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